I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
