speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I believe in your delicious
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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