Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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