just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
