Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
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the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
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Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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