i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
