I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
