i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.