Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
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and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.