I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
