1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
