you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just found a bag of teeth...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
