I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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