I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
