My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
