I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
