You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
