Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
