Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
