I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
