True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
