one two three fourrrrnication!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
