My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have post one night stand depression
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