the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
