you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
