Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
