You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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