My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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