Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
