There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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