He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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