i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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