I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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