If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
