My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
