Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
