I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
