I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
