wanna go halves on a baby?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
