Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
