I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
