If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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