in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
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Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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