your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
