I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
