I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
