someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
