Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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