happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
