watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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