The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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