I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
