i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
worst night to have a conscience
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
