I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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