Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
