Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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